


The Birds and the Bees

by Kantayra of Yore (Kantayra)



Category: Lost
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-12
Updated: 2005-02-12
Packaged: 2017-10-19 03:06:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra%20of%20Yore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Overly-curious Walt, flailing Michael, and amused Hurley overhear Sawyer and Kate *coughcough*-ing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Birds and the Bees

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a conversation with marishna, with some inspiration from jypzrose.

“Oh god, Sawyer! Just like… Just like… Yes!”

“Fuck, baby! Fuck, fuck, _fuck_!”

Two orgasmic cries sounded, echoing along the beach much further than they had any right to, and certainly further than the occupants of Sawyer’s tent ever thought they would. The rest of the castaways on the beach looked conspicuously anywhere but at each other and tried their best to pretend they hadn’t just heard _that_.

All except one…

Walt frowned over at Sawyer’s tent and turned to his dad. “Are Kate and Mr. Sawyer fighting again?” he asked curiously.

Michael’s eyes widened like a deer caught in headlights. Off to the side, Hurley coughed something that sounded suspiciously like “Fighting…right.” Michael glared at Hurley because it was easier than facing his son in that moment.

“When I got into fights in Ms. Wilson’s class,” Walt began helpfully, “she would make us sit together in a room until we apologized and made up.”

Hurley was doing a very bad job of trying not to laugh now. “Good idea. Why don’t you tell that to Sawyer and Kate?” he looked pointedly at Michael.

Michael fought very hard not to swear in front of Walt. “I think they’ve made up _more_ than enough,” he pointed out.

“But they were, like, yelling and swearing at each other and stuff,” Walt insisted.

Hurley chuckled, obviously enjoying watching Michael in the hot seat.

With a deep sigh, Michael hoped he wasn’t about to make a horrible mistake. “Yeah, but… Kate and Mr. Sawyer weren’t exactly fighting.”

He watched Walt consider this, could practically hear the gears turning in the kid’s head, leading inevitably to…

“Then why were they yelling like that?”

Hurley was outright laughing now, and Walt looked at him, confused.

“Shut _up_ , man!” Michael snapped at Hurley. Unfortunately, this just turned Walt’s attention back to his question. “Uh…” Michael began, “you’ve heard about the birds and the bees, right?”

Walt frowned. “You mean those bees that stung Mr. Pace’s face?”

Michael swore under his breath. Weren’t schools supposed to teach kids about this stuff now? Or couldn’t Walt’s mother have mentioned it? Or, really, _anything_ that would save Michael from having to explain the basics of life to the ten-year-old son he’d just met on a deserted tropical island while Kate and Sawyer were grunting in the background _again_.

“Uh…no, not like those bees,” Michael admitted, taking a deep breath. “Look, okay, it’s like this.” He pointedly ignored Hurley laughing behind him. “You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much – like, say, Kate and Mr. Sawyer…” He trailed off, frowning. That didn’t sound quite right. But hell like he was going to explain recreational sex.

“Oh.” Walt blinked. “You’re talking about sex.”

“Yeah, man,” Michael agreed absentmindedly before Walt’s words sank in. “What?” he exclaimed in disbelief…and a little indignation. “How do you know about _that_?”

Walt blinked up at him. “Ms. Wilson taught us.”

“Then, why didn’t you _say_ so?” Michael demanded.

“’Cause you were talking about bees and stuff,” Walt insisted. “How was I s’posed to know what you meant?”

Hurley was practically in hysterics by now. Bouts of laughter were interrupted by gasping breaths of “Dude!” “That was great!” “The expression on your face!” “Dude!”

“Uh, right…” Michael admitted his defeat sheepishly.

Walt’s attention had already, lamentably, turned back to the sounds Sawyer and Kate were making, however. “So if they’re having sex, why are they swearing so much?” he asked curiously. “It sure _sounds_ like they’re fighting.”

Hurley’s laughter managed to stop long enough so that he could hear Michael try to explain _that_ one.

Michael blushed and looked for an avenue of escape. Walt’s set jaw wasn’t offering him any, though. “Well…all right…” he flailed about mentally. “Sex feels really good, right?”

Walt scrunched up his nose. It hadn’t sounded much fun in class. In fact, it had sounded kind of gross. He shrugged. “If it feels good, then why is Kate screaming like that?”

Michael gulped. This situation just kept getting worse and worse… Luckily, inspiration struck this time. “You know what it’s like when you’re riding a roller-coaster, and it’s fun so you start screaming?”

Walt thought about that for a moment and nodded.

“It’s like that.” Michael breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s why they’re yelling and swearing and stuff.” His eyes widened in sudden horror. “Not that you should try it…or try to try it…or…”

Walt just made a disgusted face.

“Good catch, dude.” Hurley was laughing again.

“So why are they grunting?” Walt persisted, apparently infinitely curious about this topic.

“Same reason,” Michael insisted, looking about desperately for something to distract Walt from his latest inquiries. Inspiration wasn’t striking.

“I’ve never heard anyone grunt on a roller-coaster…”

“That’s because they’re, uh, having _more_ fun than a roller-coaster,” Michael insisted.

Walt looked at him skeptically.

“Trust us, dude,” Hurley decided to add one helpful comment in, “it’s more fun.”

Walt just shrugged it off as some weird adult thing. Like how his mom had always insisted dancing was fun, but refused to play soccer. “So Kate’s gonna have a baby now? Like Claire?”

“Whoa…” Hurley’s eyes widened at the thought.

“No,” Michael insisted. “Or…at least, I _hope_ she has enough sense not to…”

“But isn’t that what happens when grown-ups have sex?” Walt demanded. “Ms. Wilson said that was how you had babies.”

“Oh, it is,” Michael assured him.

Walt frowned, confused.

“But people don’t always have babies from it, right?” Michael countered reluctantly. “They only want children if they’re gonna love them very much.” He patted Walt on his shoulder, but Walt just rolled his eyes at what he perceived as lame adult sentimentally. Michael returned to the topic at hand before Walt could throw a _more_ outrageous question at him. “But a lot of times people don’t want kids. If they’re stranded on an island or something. So they do stuff so that they don’t have a baby.”

“Like what?” Walt asked curiously.

Michael blushed. “Er…there’s a pill for it. And other stuff,” he waved vaguely.

Thankfully, Walt didn’t demand details of the ‘other stuff’. “But why would they have sex if they don’t want babies?” he asked instead.

Michael hemmed and hawed.

“More fun than a roller-coaster, remember?” Hurley finally answered.

Walt thought about that and nodded. “So why does Mr. Sawyer keep talking about ‘sixty-nine’? Are they doing math or something, too?”

Michael practically choked. Hurley started laughing again.

“Yeah, that must be it,” Michael agreed, his voice sounding uncharacteristically high and nervous even to himself. “You know, how ‘bout we head back to the caves? You can pay Mr. Locke a visit.” Oh yes. Desperation was running deep.

Walt had more questions he wanted to ask, but he knew not to look a gift horse in the mouth. “Okay,” he agreed as his dad herded him off the beach with uncanny speed.

Hurley’s laughter and ever-more-distant “dude”s followed after them, and Michael swore revenge.

And, in the background, Kate was screaming Sawyer’s name again. With a roll of his eyes, Hurley shouted out in the direction of the tent, “Get a room already!”


End file.
